Hey Bitches I'm back....

and I just deleted a HUGE post I wrote for you. 

You know why...

cause it was bullshit.

And I`m over it.  Over the bullshit.

I`m coming back....and it ain`t going to be all giggles and romance for you.  Sorry.  Honeymoons over...if you`re still showing up here then it must be true love.....and so I`m in.   Im going to give it to you hard...true love style, like prison, in the fulldose, not watered down at all.....

Cause you deserve it...and so do I.  

I do best when I don`t have to pussyfoot around anyone`s feelings. 

So there....that`s you`re warning.

If you`re delicate like a flower then you should probably just get outta here.....cause shit`s about to get real yo....
 
but not tonight cause I drank too much, fought too much and am hungry and am going to split on you...just like that....seee I told you it would be hard....man up bitches, this isn`t going to be easy....on anyone.

xo

Getting out of my comfort zone for a night

Turns out, I'm a pussy.

I know.

I talk tough but wow, truly I am just one big pussy.  No wonder I haven't been writing.  The best writers are either extremely brave and honest or are brilliantly, delicious liars that can spin stories out of the air.

I am neither.  I am a pussy tonight.

My husband, Big Daddy, is gone for the night.  To Vancouver, the night before the Olympics start rocking.

Nevermind that, I'll be amazed if terrorism doesn't just rip open with a bang right off the bat (c'mon, you can't honestly have any faith at all that "the man" is "all over it" keeping us safe.  If I was a terrorist, I'd have spent the last 5 years jerking off to the fact that the Olympics were being held in Canada, America's favorite and most laid back neighbour.)

Nevermind that I play this scenario out in my head all. the. fucking. time that for just one night, I could just live like a single, unnattached chick.  No one to tell me how fucked up all the shows I watch on TLC are (Hello, I know, that's why I watch themmmm...).  No one trying to fuck me when I get out of the bath and just want to paint my nails and smoke even though you're quitting right now.  No one's tv time to fuck up when I just feel like turning it off and listening to music.

See, me and Big Daddy are pretty well always together except for brief periods of time, usually of only a few hours at a time.  Day after day, month after month, year after year, for real.  That's how we roll...and tonight I remember why.

I fucking miss having him here.  And not just because I'm hungry and if he were here right now he'd gladly go and get me Burger King with zesty sauce if I roll one while he's gone.  Or that someone called an hour or so ago and it only rang once and now I'm paranoid and looking out the blinds like a crackhead cause if someone broke in today my biggest rottweiler is paralyzed from the waste down from cancer and would be useless and my BIG MOTHERFUCKING BRUTE of a husband isn't here to kickass either.  Or that when I was talking to him on the phone tonight and Sophia heard me ask him if he'd found somewhere to live tonight (meaning a hotel)  I actually heard her heart breaking when she asked "Mommy, what did you mean when you asked Daddy if he found a new house to live in.  You were joking right?" (That girl watches way too much family network tv where all the parents are divorced).

But because I think after these 13 years we've been together, the deaths, the births, the rich times, the poor times, the happy times and the angry times we have actually become one.

Now don't get me wrong, dude, somedays, "why I autta..." brews up inside of me with a fury, as it does in him I'm sure.   But tonight, I miss my husband something fierce.  I even facebooked him, like a fucking drunk teenager (and my sister...and yes, I have got into the wine a bit tonight.  Whatever, writers drink, stereotypes are created from reality).

On the pill, off the pill, rich or poor, I will love that loyal, brute of a man forever.

And probably a little extra when he's not here.

I smell lawsuits...

It turns out that taking the pill makes women more attracted to a different smelling male to mate with than they would choose if not on the pill.

Let that sink in.

Yup.  So you know that whole crazy burning desire to fuck that wears off once you go off the pill and get knocked up.  Well, maybe noone can blame the baby anymore.  Maybe, just maybe, pharmecutical companies are to blame.

Well, unless of course you were seriously disfigured by the birth.  Then, DEFINITELY, the baby is to blame there.  (That means you, Laura, who ripped from one hole to another.  Don't even think about getting in on the class action lawsuit.)

Flesh eating disease in my friend's VAGINA and other dramas....

Yes.  It's true.

You can get flesh eating disease in your vagina.

Like you didn't have enough to think about eh?  I know.  That's right, might as well add that to the list of shit to worry about too.  Cause it can happen apparently.

In my friend's case they caught it at mrsa staph infection in the vagina...but it coulda went there if left unchecked.  Which it almost did.

So,  the lesson of the story is if your pretty sure that something CRAZY is going on in your vajayjay and the Doctor who doesn't actually have a vayjayjay tells you to relax, it's no big deal.  You need to fire that motherfucker before he ends up having to take pieces of your woman parts out because he fucked up.

In other news...

I've decided to breed my rottweiler.  She's too young yet though and I'm facing her first heat probably soon and am totally unprepared for how that's going to go.  Any tips for how to keep a rottie from menstruating all over my house will be greatly appreciated.  And if you know any horny rottie males that I can hook her up with next year please pass that info along as well.

Relationships in my little circle of peeps seem to be suffering right now as well.  Everywhere I turn someone is breaking up, fucking up or are just plain bored with their situation.  Which of course brings me to:

Monogamy.  Is it realistic?

One of the happiest (seemingly) couples I know have great jobs, great kids, great house and great sex apparently because they fuck people other than their spouse sometimes.  For fun.  For real.

No, they've never tried to fuck me, but I'm pretttttty sure they would if I was into it.  But I'm not.  Neither is Big Daddy.  And not just cause we've worked it out and if we ever did "swap" in our circle anyway, one of us would be totally getting ripped off and it would just be awkward after cause one would be all stoked and happy and the other would be all pffffffttt.  But because he'd want to do strangers and I am. not. into. strangers.  He has a point, with strangers you'd never have to deal with the possibilty of love confusing things but for me, I'd want to fuck someone I like already you know?  What if I did the dirty with some strange dude that turned out to be a real douchebag and later on I found out he was a good friend of my little brothers or something.  Awkwarrrrd.  Anyway, monogamy, what do you think?  Possible or just leftover bullshit from a more religious time?

In case you missed it....

REGRETSY

Congrats on the book deal guys.

PS:  If you don't get it, you've also missed out on etsy...or not...

Ask a milf day

Q:  Are you actually going to do the titty trials??

A:   Um, no.  I didn't get this far without exceptional risk management skills. *sigh* Remember? I've never been to jail?  Experimental tissue growing projects in my body are too high risk for me....unless I'm dying, and it's all they've got left to try...then I'm in.  All in.

Q:   What's you're deal with gay people?

A:   I actually don't currently have any deals in the works with any gay people.  I did however party with a couple of kickass lesbians three weeks ago. My gay brother in law however I haven't seen in ages.  He's been kicking it in Argentina the last couple of years.  Maybe next summer...

Q:   How can you be so hot after three kids?

A:   Unfortunately, genetics play a huge role.  I have a mild case of Marfan Syndrome which means I'll always be slim, have long beautiful legs, no stretch marks and amazing flexibilty.  It also means the odds that I'll die young, suddenly and unexpectedly are waaaaaaaaay higher for me than the rest of the population due to my heart ripping apart or from an aneurysim.  So ya, we can just go ahead and add that to the list of reasons why you shouldn't hate skinny bitches m'kay.

Q:   How old are your kids?

A:   As of just last week 8, 5, and 3.  My oldest just had his birthday.  Gawd he's great.  Better than me for sure.  Better like, when I gave him his nighttime cuddle before his birthday and he started counting on his fingers, I immediately thought he was counting how many presents he'd get based on how many people were coming to the party.  He was actually counting how many licorice ropes I'd need on his wrestling cake for the ring to see if there would be enough for everyone to get a piece.  That much better than me.  True story.

Q:   Are you going to give us the address to your secret diary site.

A:   No, probably not.


Well, maybe some of you...

Titty Trials UPDATE!!

Yesssss I asked to get in on the human trials.

AND THEY JUST EMAILED ME!

What?  I've never been to Australia....

This email is sent on behalf of Professor Wayne Morrison

Dear Ms (name removed to protect my identity, obviously),

We empathise with you and understand your keen interest in the work we are doing to develop tissue engineered breast implant at the O’Brien Institute. 

Indeed, our aims and aspirations are to create an implantable shell that will allow a patient’s own fat tissue to grow and replace breast tissue that has been removed following a mastectomy. 

Although this sounds simple, it is in fact a delicate and complex technology that requires many stages, including ensuring safety. 

We have been very encouraged by our progress to date and have passed many of the milestones that we have set ourselves.  As you may be aware from the recent media, the last stage before the implants become available generally to the public will be clinical trials in human patient.  We are now at the stage of implementing a small initial clinical trial of five patients in 2010, but the results of the trial will not be known for approximately 18 months.

The exact details and protocol for the clinical trials are in the final stages of preparation.  When they are finalised we will be in touch with you again and at that time, we will request that you complete a confidential questionnaire in relation to the selection criteria for the trial.  Upon receipt of this information, patients will be selected to participate in the trial.  As mentioned, we will only be having five patients in the first trial.

In the meantime, we will keep your name and details on our file so that we could notify you of updates.

Yours sincerely

Wayne Morrison


Wow, one step closer to becoming that slut for science I've always wanted to be.
I smell a documentary....